My depression written in my own words.
I pose this question, is being SAVED even an option anymore? Its estimated that 62.1% of Americans have been through depression from 18 years and up. I know from my experience dealing with depression is not an easy thing to go through. From my experienced, everything was very hazy for me, I often lost focus, I often lost the will to eat. and sleeping was hell for me. I slept during the day, and even when I woke up I was extremely tired. I could pass for a zombie. I ruined my body for the time that I was depressed. You must understand that going through depression is not just one bad day. It slowly feels like your world crashes down around you and you feel helpless because its happening. All the people that have been through depression have one common goal, when is it going to end? How can I change my circumstances - in other words.
I would say that I went through depression due to a series of bad choices. I literally felt like a caged animal just screaming to get out. But no matter what I did or said no one could hear me. Because no one heard me, I began to worsen. I felt like nothing would ever go right for me. Now its no secret that I am blessed with money. That is due to my physical circumstances. So I am blessed in that way that I don't have to worry about having and or not having dollars and cents.
What makes matters worse is that March 1, 2009 I was baptized , a renewed spirit if you will. I had a clean slate. I loved the annoting. For a time, I say for a time, because I had no idea was headed my way. In the beginning of my "Christian walk" I read, and understand the many verses of the bible and ate it , drank it for breakfast lunch and dinner. Pastor Chris - often said because I was writing devotionals everyday or on a weekly basis that I was quote "On fire for Jesus." unquote. I have to admit I was feeling on top of the world, dare I stay, I was feeling "invincible." As I am I am a big believer in fitness. One day I was feeling so good, so pumped I decided to do something stupid, I lifted some weight on the shoulder 60 pounds over my limit. Don't ask me why I did it, like I said before, I was pumped and had a huge adrenaline rush. So I did it. I shoulder pressed 180 pounds in 3 sets of 12. After it was done, I felt pretty good. I felt on top of the world. Like I could do absolutely anything. So when I was finished the workout, I stated to run for the transit bus, and I was going to jog home. I had that much adrenaline. When I got home, I was excited because I was going to big meal of spaghetti, chicken, some veggies, and finish it off with a protein shake.
Before , I got home, I stopped in to check out a film starring John Cena. I believe the film was "12 rounds." Why did I rent it, because Cena's the man, wait is that where I loose ya , don't worry , this is a devotional so I won't spent too much time praising Cena. So back to the devotional I was watching 12 Rounds and it was pretty kickin" I'm not going to lie. It had tons of action twists and turns. The whole sha-bang. The movie went a bit. I started to feel pain in my chest, and all the sudden my adrenaline sky rocketed My heart was pumping out my chest, so in a panic I called emerge. Sure enough they came by 5 minutes later. The time was 1:30 AM and I told them what I was feeling so I was loaded in the back of the ambulance I was taken to St. Marys Hospital in Kitchener Ontario.
I did some x-rays, and nothing was found. They tested my tissue, by some sort of gel machine. Indeed they suspected that I tore my pectoral muscle. in places. I asked about surgery and they didn't say to much because I was a college student and they really didn't want me to miss to much school. So they opt not to do the surgery. Which left me in more pain. They suggested that I go for intense therapy, so I did. and than I would ask them if there was anything I could do at home. They only said. Put a heating pad or ice pack on your chest, to cut the inflammation down. I just looked at them and rolled my eyes. I did this because I was in serve pain and I would and up going to emerge 3 times after the injury for the same reason.
So I would suffer and suck it up and fight through the pain for the entire summer. In the middle of June. I went to my doctor and I told him about my injury and he told me to stay away from the gym for a couple months. I felt lost when he told me that, because the gym had become like my home, it was where I felt most comfortable. It was part of my life. I worked out there 6 days a week. I felt so lost with no gym how was the rest of my summer going to go. I felt miserable. I am big fan of wrestling probably in the entire world. So I frequently watch WWE and TNA I have to openly admit it was hard for me to watch wrestling program because they were the guys I looked up to, they were the guys that would motivate me to go to the gym in the first place. I'm going to openly admit I cried for about a month, while watching wrestling programing. Why would I cry , because I honestly felt like I let them down. I felt worthless. The only council received was from my church friends Chris and Frank. I sometimes think it's because the them that I would get through the summer. But it began to become very hard on me, because they suggested that I read the word and pray , but honestly when I read the the bible, it didn't seem to have the same effect on me. I think that was because I was injured so badly. I questioned if God even existed and asking him where he was many nights. I was going through what seemed to the roughest part of my life at such a young age of 24.
So finally school came around and I thought to myself, OK here we go kid, put your game face on, its the fourth quarter. But rather than distract me from my depression it would become worse. I would fall in with bad circumstances, with my injury, school and college living. I began to crack, my school work that I was so pumped about doing started to slump. My fitness started to slump, my health would slump. I would eventually seek help from many people including school councilors, nutritionists. I was so proud, I didn't really tell anybody the whole truth. I was too proud, I was raised that men don't have problems. So I would stick my chest out and just push on, it would eventually catch up with me. I began to only eat, every other day, sleep only in the day time and all the while have thoughts of helplessness. I often went to school councilors and they suggested the stupidest thing ever. A Conestoga College relaxation CD. After 2 weeks, it never worked. My nerves were at an all time high. My eyes were always blood shot. My heart rate was up. considerably. No matter what I continue to deny myself, in lying to myself that it was just a faze. But as my school work, health started to slump, it was only a matter of a short time before I would cry my out eyes and ask God what's wrong with me. Is this some kind of punishment? If it is, I don't want it. But I had no choice. So when I gave in, I would seek help from the gym trainers, ALEX, Nutritionists Malcolm, Dylan and George at Atlantis Nutrition. I would buy everything I could for stress. Including: Gaba, with Vitamin B6 complex, Rescue Remedy, Cy gen Laboratories Multivitamin,
I would buy, books such as The Secret, Hulk Hogan - My life outside the ring, Help me I'm STRESSED! By Joyce Meyer, STRESS LESS By Doc Don Colbert. and Shaken not shattered by Mathew Hagee. Nothing was working , the only thing that really worked was when I would read Shaken not Shattered by Mathew Hagee and Don Colbert Stress Less. I think they worked so much because they provided cubical principles and the reason I was able to accept them so well. Because I ran out of options and pride. So I just accepted God's help.
So the reason I would pose the question is being SAVED even an option these days is because I failed in my faith, but when I tried to do it myself it didn't quite work. I ran to God when I was out of options and on my knees asking and begging for help. The only way he was able to help me if I TRUSTED only him! That's when the depression started to clear and I could see better days ahead. As I look back on all this it now seems so easy, and stupid on my part at the same time. If I wasn't so proud I wouldn't have the lost the connection I had with God that I had in the first place. My friend Kyle Thibealt told me recently that I wanted to be the man, I was too proud to ask for help. So Although I wasn't looking for a kind of intervention with my friends Nathan Innes, Kyle Thibeault, Naser Kazmi, and Brandon Nahrgang it was much needed and Ryan Scott.
7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
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